'It was when the darkness and the light collided, there was harmony.
The question I ask myself every day is, on which side do I reside?'
A long time ago in Babylon, under the rule of King Solomon there was confusion. The noble King had shunned away Lucifer with all his power from God and hid away under his throne the very books on black magic the devils practised. Lucifer, the satanic King of hell, could not bear this defeat and hissed in to the people's ear of King Solomon's betrayal to his Kingdom. Lucifer told those people, 'Go now and see what is under the king's throne. You will see books on black magic that your so called noble King practices to fool his people into believing he is a Prophet.' And so the people saw, believed that they were betrayed by their noble King and finally began to practise black magic themselves. Throughout all of this chaos, the one question that the angels would ask is, 'Why do these people sin when God tells them the truth?' Some stories tell of God replying that the angels would also sin if they were in the position of humans, in the position of making a choice. The angels chose between themselves two angels, Harut and Marut, to see the outcome of angels in human form. In the end, the two angels were over powered by the lust of every man and then they were either shunned away from heaven or they got killed. Either way, damn that shit's crazy.
3 years ago, from the moment where I currently lay in that hospital room near Elena and the person who had saved my life, I was closing the doors of my wardrobe with me in it. Prior to this specific memory, I was taken to a country that I did not consider home. I had failed my exams and I had lost the love of my life because I was no longer who I used to be. I don't know what it really was but I felt that the person I was before, the funny and eccentric boy, that boy had left and replaced itself with a hole so deep I could not find anything to fill it with any more. I tried becoming someone else and to begin anew, a person that I had always wished to be. I wanted to be mysterious, cool, serious and definitely toned up. When that look would not work for me, I would suddenly change into someone else over and over again until I no longer knew who I was. I had to keep lying about my past to fit my persona but with all those lies I began to deceive myself on what was really true. I became a person with no strong resolve and with all those failures in my life, my family began to take me as a failure. They stopped talking to me, my friends kept their distance as they could never understand who I was going to be today. After everyone had discarded me from their lives, my everyday became as lonely as the other. Now, the only reasonable solution I had in my mind at that time was to sit in my wardrobe where there was just me and the darkness as my companion.
I kept the clothes in my wardrobe as a cushion for my head. It was difficult to breathe but that was okay, the anti-depressants and the sleeping pill made every worry feel like a distant memory soon to be long forgotten. In the pitch black surrounding I could see a bleak ray of light enter through a small gap between the doors of my wardrobe. I focused my thoughts on that ray of light and the darkness I rested in. I saw a battle to see which would be the victor, the light was outnumbered. Yet the light did not stop fighting, it did not give up. Damn you light! Why are you still fighting when you know nothing you do will work? Those moments of watching felt like hours where I could see small troops of light warriors form a strategy, I could see dusts of light vanish and turn into darkness. I kept watching not in hope that maybe the light would win but because I was so curious. Then something strange happened, the bleak ray of light that wished to enter grew stronger. So strong even I could finally see my surroundings. How did that just happen?!
'Rahal'
Was that a voice I just heard? I heard no one open my door let alone any footsteps. I guess the lack of oxygen and the pills are making me crazy. I listened for a few more moments and went back to my own thoughts.
'Rahal, don't you think it's time you come out of that wardrobe?'
'Whose there?!' I screamed.
I kicked the door open preparing to attack and run, the door flung open nearly shattering on impact. I flung myself out of the wardrobe and was ready to attack anyone or anything that moved but there was no one. My breathing quickened and the short hit of adrenaline sure got me to stand up but now I felt the pills beginning to take effect. I slowly made my way to my bed looking around to see whether anyone was there, I felt so dizzy and my vision was blurred. I did not have my glasses on but my vision had never been this blurred before. I saw a vague silhouette of a man at the other side, the brighter side of my room.
'Haha, I'm not there!'
'Whose there! Answer me!' I shouted.
'Here, wear your glasses. They're right beside you.' The stranger replied.
I felt my glasses right next to me and put them on. My vision focused on my surroundings yet I saw no one. What is happening to me? Am I hearing voices in my head? Am I seriously going crazy? I ran to my bathroom with every ounce of strength I had in my legs and turned the tap on. I took off my glasses and washed my face, dried and put my glasses back on. I saw my reflection through the mirror in front of me and it was just me.
'Al-right, you cannot be losing your mind right now Rahal.' I said to myself. 'I'm okay, nothing is wrong with me.'
There was dead silence, all I saw through that mirror was a reflection of someone I no longer knew. I knew it was me but why do I feel like I was a complete stranger to myself. I began to cry, tears fell down the drain of the sink.
'God, what's happening to me?'
I closed my eyes and took a deep and long breath. I breathed in all the insanity, all the pain, all that tension and all those memories I wished to forget. I then breathed out what I thought was clarity, I opened my eyes hoping that I saw a person that I could recognize, me. What I really saw, if I had been able to have time to think about what I saw, I would have defined it as the darkness in that wardrobe becoming one. I would have described 'it' as fear in it's truest form. However, I did not have time to understand what I did see at that moment. When I opened my eyes, I saw myself and him.
'Rahal, it's time we talked.'
'Rahal'
Was that a voice I just heard? I heard no one open my door let alone any footsteps. I guess the lack of oxygen and the pills are making me crazy. I listened for a few more moments and went back to my own thoughts.
'Rahal, don't you think it's time you come out of that wardrobe?'
'Whose there?!' I screamed.
I kicked the door open preparing to attack and run, the door flung open nearly shattering on impact. I flung myself out of the wardrobe and was ready to attack anyone or anything that moved but there was no one. My breathing quickened and the short hit of adrenaline sure got me to stand up but now I felt the pills beginning to take effect. I slowly made my way to my bed looking around to see whether anyone was there, I felt so dizzy and my vision was blurred. I did not have my glasses on but my vision had never been this blurred before. I saw a vague silhouette of a man at the other side, the brighter side of my room.
'Haha, I'm not there!'
'Whose there! Answer me!' I shouted.
'Here, wear your glasses. They're right beside you.' The stranger replied.
I felt my glasses right next to me and put them on. My vision focused on my surroundings yet I saw no one. What is happening to me? Am I hearing voices in my head? Am I seriously going crazy? I ran to my bathroom with every ounce of strength I had in my legs and turned the tap on. I took off my glasses and washed my face, dried and put my glasses back on. I saw my reflection through the mirror in front of me and it was just me.
'Al-right, you cannot be losing your mind right now Rahal.' I said to myself. 'I'm okay, nothing is wrong with me.'
There was dead silence, all I saw through that mirror was a reflection of someone I no longer knew. I knew it was me but why do I feel like I was a complete stranger to myself. I began to cry, tears fell down the drain of the sink.
'God, what's happening to me?'
I closed my eyes and took a deep and long breath. I breathed in all the insanity, all the pain, all that tension and all those memories I wished to forget. I then breathed out what I thought was clarity, I opened my eyes hoping that I saw a person that I could recognize, me. What I really saw, if I had been able to have time to think about what I saw, I would have defined it as the darkness in that wardrobe becoming one. I would have described 'it' as fear in it's truest form. However, I did not have time to understand what I did see at that moment. When I opened my eyes, I saw myself and him.
'Rahal, it's time we talked.'
Written By,
Jawaad Saleem
Special thanks to: Hira Chaudhary & Ameena Nasib for helping me write this chapter.
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